My
Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my
father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?"
he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied,
"Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of
the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had
actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's
feet on the kitchen floor.
=============================================
*
A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth
?"
One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible!"
* Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an
officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah ? Well,
if
we were speeding, so were you!"
* Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said,
"Let's play doctor." "Good idea." said the other.
"You operate,
and I'll sue."
* I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I don't
have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a
snack of
some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had
in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied
wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
When
my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was
given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on
"Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand
your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at
the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come
from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and
daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they
returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later when
I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper,
"For three generations there have been no natural births in
our family."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
A California woman sued a grocery store after she dropped a
six-pack of beer on her feet. The woman was not injured, but
she said that it hurt. She won the lawsuit. (I have had 6 beers
hurt my head the next morning - can I sue?)
A man riding his bike from work at night with no lights,
only reflectors, was hit by a Jeep after the driver ran a
stop sign. The bicyclist sued the bike manufacturer because
he was not warned that reflectors might not be enough to
prevent an accident. The man was awarded $6 million. (wonder if
it was the car driver or the cyclist who drank 6 beers?)
A man filed a suit against his son's baseball team when he
was asked to stop smoking so close to his kid's dugout. The
father claimed that this caused his son great emotional
distress. The judge fined the man and his lawyer $2,250 for
filing a frivolous suit. (YESSSSS ! give that judge a 6-pack ! )
=======================================
TEN
COMMANDMENTS FOR STRESS REDUCTION
I. Thou shalt not be perfect, or even try to be.
II. Thou shalt not try to be all things to all people.
III. Thou shalt sometimes leave things undone.
IV. Thou shalt not spread thyself too thin.
V. Thou shalt learn to say "no".
VI. Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and for thy support network.
VII. Thou shalt switch thyself off, and do nothing regularly.
VIII. Thou shalt not even feel guilty for doing nothing, or saying
no.
IX. Thou shalt be boring, untidy, inelegant, and unattractive at
times.
X. Especially, thou shalt not be thine own worst enemy. But, be
thine own
best friend.
======================================
Sometimes
women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became
upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're
the only
woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened
by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs!"
=======================================
After
all is said and done, it's all said and done. (Lawrence
Brotherton)
I
have a friend who changed his name from Albert to Philbert because
he
was a little nuts. (Bob Dvorak)
Life
is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the
longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
They
met in an interesting way; he opened his wallet and there she was.
(Milton Berle)
=============================================
HINT
1
Remove auto grease from hands with baking soda
and water. This works as well as any product
on the market, and is a lot cheaper.
HINT
2
If wipers are beginning to wear down, you can make
them last longer by rubbing them briskly with
sandpaper.
==============================================
Donald
Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When
the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following
letter: "Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age
of fourteen,
the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There
is a
male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which
is
which. As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist,
Inc.
Well, that takes care of that.
=============================================
A
young man took a farm girl into town for a date at a fancy
restaurant. While studying the menu she asked,
"What's filet mignon?"
Thinking fast, her date replied,
"It's pickled goat's liver. Why?"
---------
Knock knock
Who's there?
Golaith
Goliath who?
Goliath down, you looketh tired.
============================================
How
to avoid shark attacks:
1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney
and
leave you alone out of professional courtesy.
=============================================
All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.
=============================================
Doctors say a man who swallowed a three-inch knife to avoid charges of possessing a weapon is lucky to be alive. Mao Kyan, from Chendu in China, ended up having the weapon stuck in his throat for eight months. The 36-year-old swallowed the knife as police raided his flat searching for drugs. He had not wanted to be charged with possessing a weapon as well as possession of drugs, Russian news website Pravda.ru reports. Believing he had swallowed the knife completely and that it had been somehow dissolved in his stomach, he went to the hospital only eight months later after feeling a pain in his throat. Doctors who examined him were amazed to find the knife stuck in his trachea, and immediately operated on him to remove it. They said it was a miracle he had survived and that the knife "could have killed him at any second".
==========================
David's wife was mad at him, because he forgot her birthday. Quick-witted, David said, "But how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
===============================
THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY !
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll
be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late." - Henry Youngman
=======
"My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was
and I explained that itwas a part of the body that
food goes through before being eliminated.
Then she asked me what a semicolon was and I told her
that it was a colon the size of a truck with eighteen
wheels."
==================================