A
teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference
between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.
"'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow
and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
===========================
"Children
Learn What They Are Taught..."
If a child
lives with criticism, he learns to condemn;
If a child
lives with hostility, he learns to fight;
If a child
lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy;
If a child
lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty;
If a child
lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient;
If a child
lives with encouragement, he learns confidence;
If a child
lives with praise, he learns to appreciate;
If a child
lives with fairness, he learns justice;
If a child
lives with security, he learns to have faith;
If a child
lives with approval, he learns to like himself;
If a child
lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world.
--Dorothy Law Holte
===================
***ITS
TIME FOR A JOKE***
==============
On
the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach
was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel
was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that
he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took
long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
========================================
A
Scaggsville, MD cemetery in is offering its clients coffins
with a sensor that detects any movement inside them after
they have been buried.
According to The Lovely Living Cemetery the sensor attached
to the coffin is to avoid anyone being buried alive.
A spokesperson for the cemetery claims "We want to be
pioneers and avoid cases, in which a person ends up buried
as if they were dead."
"We want families to rest assured that if this ever happens
their loved ones will be immediately rescued."
===========================================
Did
Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?
The king of hearts in a deck of cards is the only king without
a mustache.
=========================================
Here's
a Thought for the Day:
The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
========================================
A
blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases
it
over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the
car
and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to
the
rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and
begin
opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching
drivers...
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway
occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop,
clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling,
"What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!"
asks the cop...
And she said....
Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
================================================
9.
"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
10. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
12. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are
long and
the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are
out of this world."
13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of
sin."
14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born
again."
17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal
fire insurance soon."
18. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" (U R)
19. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
20. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep Talk to the Shepherd."
==========================================
Federal
Mint Strike....
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.
They are demanding to make less money !
===================================
"It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted." - Mary O'Connor =========================
An Austrian soldier has been fined for speeding in a tank on a military exercise. The tank driver was fined $20 for driving the 25-ton tank at 40 mph in a 30 mph zone. He had to pay the money out of his own pocket - even though he was engaged in a big, international anti-terrorism exercise at the time. The soldier was pulled over by police officers in the village of St Michael in the South of the country. According to the bonehead, local speed limits take precedence over fighting terrorism. ==============================
THOUGHTS
FROM A MAN
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and
the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and
the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
=======
CHICAGO - It seems that Chicago city employees would
do well to take a cold shower. Telephone records
reveal that the workers keep their work day spicy by
calling sex and psychic hotlines. Records from the
year 2001 show that the calls ran over $12,000, but
mayoral press secretary Jacquelyn Heard says taxpayers
aren't the ones paying the bill. "If any of the phones
are being used in an inappropriate manner, it's a
mistake the phone company pays for -- not taxpayers,"
she said. How the employees are making the calls isn't
clear. Heard says that every one of the city's 35,000
telephone lines is supposed to be restricted from
pay-per-call services. The Department of Health was at
the top of the list of 900-number calls, racking up
$1,627.92 worth of sex and psychic hotline calls in
June 2001 and $925.49 in May of that year.
===================================
This
guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you
want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the
lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million
dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I
can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your
secretary."
=====================================
Sally
was driving home from one of her business trips in northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side
of the
road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and
asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
After a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag
on the
seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down
at the brown bag
and said,
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then speaking with the
quiet
wisdom of an elder said....
"Good trade!"
================================
Puppy
Love
{Some
have been around before, but it's one of my favorite lists. -rjs}
1. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail
instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
2. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that
you arewonderful.
-Ann Landers
3. If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go
where they went.
- Will Rogers
4. There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face.
- Ben Williams
5. A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he
loves himself
- Josh Billings
6. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
7. We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we
can spare. And
in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever
made.
- M. Acklam
8. Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike
people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love
and hate.
-Sigmund Freud
9. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult.
- Rita Rudner
10. A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around
three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley
11. Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of
current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing
all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially
urgent, are often continued in the next yard.
-Dave Barry
12. Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
a dog.
-Franklin P.. Jones
13. If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that many dogs
I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber
14. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown
15. My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00
a can. That's
almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
16. Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we
come back from
a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half
a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! {No
wonder they give us effusive greetings even after a short absence!-rjs}
-Anne Tyler
17. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get
used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
18. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog
it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx
19. Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
-Dave Miliman
20. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will
not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
-Mark Twain
21. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My gosh, you're right! I never would've thought
of that!'
-Dave Barry
22. Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
23. If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits
in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
24. My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already
thinks I am.
-Unknown
====================================
:
22 Thinnest Books in the World
22.
FRENCH WAR HEROES - by Jacques Chirac
>21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
>20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
>19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
>18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
>17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
>16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
>15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
>14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
>13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
>12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
>11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
>10. DETROIT: a Vacation Guide
> 9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by Dr. J. Kevorkian
> 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
> 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
> 6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
> 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
> 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
> 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
> 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
>And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .
> 1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson.
=======================================
Country-living advice
> Never name a pig you plan to eat.
> Country fences oughta' be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
> Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb.
It's about how good you bounce.
> Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance.
> Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
> A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
> Trouble with a milk cow is... she won't stay milked.
> Don't skinny dip where there's snapping turtles.
> Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
> Meanness don't happen overnight.
> To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not
their houses.
> When angry, never lay a hand on a kid or an animal. It just
ain't helpful.
> Teachers, moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
> Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. {Especially,
if you smile at them.}
> Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
> Two can live as cheap as one... if one don't eat.
> Don't corner something meaner than you.
> You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar... if you're
in to catchin' flies.
> It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
> Don't go drinkin' with a fellow nicknamed Chug-A-Lug.
> You can't unsay a cruel remark.
> Every path has some puddles.
> Don't wrestle with pigs. You'll get all muddy, but the pigs'll
love it.
> The best sermons are lived, not preached.
> Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
> The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese!.
========================================