BLOOMER DAY
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Put-Downs...
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Quotes...
The fellow who blows his own horn the loudest is probably in the
biggest fog.
Webbies...
Computer programmers never die... they just byte the dust.
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BURMA-SHAVE SIGN
Shave the modern way
No brush
No lather
No rub-in
Big tube
35 cents drug stores
Burma-Shave
+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+:*:+
Did you see what made last week's New York Times
bestseller list for fiction? Did you see it? It was
the New York Times - David Letterman
The former Iraqi Minister of Information has gotten a
new job. He's the new fact checker for the New York
Times. - Jay Leno
By the way we have captured Osama bin Laden and Saddam
Hussein earlier today. I guess it's true, I read it in
the New York Times. - David Letterman
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A survey says that American workers work the first
three hours every day just to pay their taxes.
So that's why we can't get anything done in the
morning: We're government workers!
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Jill and Nadine were having lunch and Jill looked a
little upset.
"Whats wrong?" asked Nadine.
"I'm really worried about myself," Jill said
forlornly. "My memory has always been a source of
quiet pride to me, but lately it's been failing me.
I'm having a hard time remembering things from the
mundane to the major."
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," Nadine said
consolingly, "Sounds like you'll forget all about it
tomorrow."
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A 44-year old Dutch motorist has stunned traffic
police by drinking so much that their breathalyzer
crashed.(Microsoft) The man had so much
alcohol in his breath that the machine first refused
to work and then showed out of range.
Some time later a police doctor gave the man,
who has not been named, a blood test which
showed the driver had seven times too much
alcohol in his blood.
Police, who had flagged the motorist down for
erratic driving, say he claimed to have only
drunk "a few beers".
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What Every Man Expects In A Wife:
~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only
you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or
beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry
and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself,
it's good for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house,
fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and
keeping quiet.
~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and
shoveling snow.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for
you, honey?"
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so
that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.
What He Usually Gets:
~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to
180.
~ She was once a model for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts
eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults:
everything you do, and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks
like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find
you.
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Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?
Most popular sports cars:
Nissan 350Z
Ford Mustang
Lamborghini Murcielago
BMW Z8
Ferrari 360 Modena
Honda S2000
Chevrolet Corvette
Acura RSX
BMW Z4
Mazda RX-8
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A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some
ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said
that it contained two bullets an uncle had given them as souvenirs
from World War II.
"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all
these years, we've kept the bullets in the bottom drawer of the china
cabinet, away from our children."
The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the bullets safely. But
when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange
black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top
of the other bullet and found a hard white substance. There was no
doubt about it.
The bullets were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.
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An Ohio State University study finds husbands and wives have very different ideas about how much money they have, the Washington Post notes. A look at about 1,200 married couples finds husbands usually say the couple earned 5 percent more income and had 10 percent more total wealth than their wives report. Wives generally say the family has $500 more in debt than their husbands admit to. Half the couples reported incomes that were at least $5,000 a year apart -- 10 percent were more than $15,000 different.
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The Washington Post
reported in October that the District's
payroll office, having already spent
$20 million on a new computer system that
never worked, had just spent another $14
million to transfer all the records back to
the old, antiquated system, which led the
Post to speculate that the squandered $34
million is probably more than the entire
D.C. jail population combined had ever stolen.
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For the first time since Prohibition, liquor stores in New York can open on Sunday.
The new law allows wine and liquor stores owners to be open six days per week, permitting them to choose which one day per week to be closed.
Permitting retailers to open on Sundays is expected to help generate $26.7 million from new sales as well as recaptured sales lost to neighboring states that permit Sunday sales.
New York now becomes the 26th state to allow Sunday liquor sales at retail outlets. Earlier this month, Gov. Ruth Ann Minner signed Sunday alcohol sales in to law in Delaware.
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Women who do yard work say they do it differently than men -- with 69 percent saying they spend more time making the lawn "look nice."
Some 56 percent of women say they do a better job at trimming more neatly than men.
The survey of almost 700 women by lawncare equipment maker Briggs & Stratton in Milwaukee finds 74 percent of the women who were surveyed say they do as good of a job as men when it comes to lawn care.
It also appears women's minds don't wander when it comes to mowing the grass. About 33 percent say they focus only on the lawn care task at hand, 20 percent plan their day and only 2 percent daydream about sex.
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An account executive at a stock-and-bond
firm telephoned an elderly woman client who
had purchased her first stock - one hundred
shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her
that he had just heard they were going to split.
"Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so
sorry to hear that. And, they've been together
for so long, too."
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I work in a department that is supported by grants. On his first day, my
new Boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last Boss
failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be
terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?" Admittedly, I
was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked. Two weeks before the
end of my tenure, the new Boss came to me. He said, "Before you go,
please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three
months." I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the
grant. Didn't you know that?"
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Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St.
Peter asks the first why he should admit her.
She replies that she has been an emergency
room nurse and has saved thousands and t
thousands of lives.
"OK", he says, "Come on in!"
The second reports that he has been an ICU
nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and
thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too.
St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.
She replies that she has been an HMO care nurse
and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars
for the insurance company.
St. Peter replies, "OK. Come on in. But you can
only stay three days."
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Bumper Stickers...
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
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A "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award goes to
an Oregon bank robber who, after robbing the Klameth
First Bank, was caught by police as he was running
around the street asking people if they knew the quickest
way out of town, with the answer ultimately being the
police van to the jail.
His quick trip to jail was hastened by his having asked
the bank manager's son for help while running around
the street.
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A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people making a
lot of noise somewhere in the house.
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A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him
something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
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A happily married man had only one complaint - his wife was always
nursing sick birds.
One evening, last winter, he came home to find a raven
with a splint on its beak sitting in his favourite chair. On the dining
room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the
kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found
in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was
towelling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any
more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse.
"Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."
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