QUICKIES

Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so
that you can tell them apart.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

A pessimist mourns the future.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Nobody can ever get too much approval.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who
are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Helpful Hint

If you have a hummingbird feeder, spray the area around
the feeding hole with vegetable spray, or coat it with
vegetable oil, bees will not be able to land on the feeder
and not hang around.
==========================================

Burma Shave

Mug and brush
Old Adam
Had 'em
Is your husband
Like Adam, Madam?
Burma-Shave
=========================================

The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW
signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting
better results from his workers.

Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the
slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper
skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best
secretary I?ve ever had; three salesmen asked for raises;
and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out
on strike."

==========================================

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his
problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their
anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided
that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to
his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note
signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all
went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he
came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice
flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
=========================================

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been
asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss
and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is
a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a
week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from
the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good
wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but
otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught
many fish.

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill and a few
Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas
like I asked you?"

The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box."
======================================

LIMERICK

A sleepy old fellow named Lucky,
While filling a tub in Kentucky,
Dozed off as the water
Grew hotter and hotter,
And melted his rubber ducky.

=====================================

LONDON (Reuters) - Kids today. They waste hours in front of the TV and get their parents to spend money on designer clothes and haircuts. And they're not even three years old!

A new survey in Britain says toddlers are increasingly leading a lifestyle once associated only with moody adolescents.

"Today's toddlers act like little teenagers -- they've been there, done it and got the T-shirt -- but they miss out on good old-fashioned, imaginative fun," said Karen Pasquali Jones, editor of Mother and Baby magazine, which commissioned the survey.

The survey showed that by age three, 42 percent of youngsters have a television in their own room and 50 percent have a CD player. The average toddler spends more than two hours a day watching TV.

Two thirds of mothers said they bought designer clothes for their toddlers, while 86 percent spent more on their child's clothes than they did on their own. More than a quarter of the little consumers "choose their own haircut."

Tots have sophisticated taste -- 61 percent will eat Italian food and 51 percent will eat Indian or Chinese food, though only three percent like sushi.

But parents of previous generations will not be surprised to learn that mothers still describe mealtimes as "nightmares," with three-quarters of toddlers refusing to eat and over half opting to throw their food rather than swallow.

Three-quarters of mothers say their children's behavior has affected their relationship with their partners and just under half declared it has "wrecked" their sex lives.

================================

Ad Lingo Explained

NEW
Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE
Imported product.

UNMATCHED
Almost as good as the competition.

DESIGNED SIMPLICITY
Manufacturers cost cut to the bone.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION
No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN
The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

ITS HERE AT LAST!
Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD-TESTED
Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY
Unit on which all parts fit.

DIRECT SALES ONLY
Factory had big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
We finally got one that works.

REVOLUTIONARY
Its different from our competitors.

BREAKTHROUGH
We finally figured out a way to sell it.

FUTURISTIC
No other reason why it looks the way it does.

DISTINCTIVE
A different shape and color than the others.

MAINTENANCE-FREE
Impossible to fix.

RE-DESIGNED
Previous faults corrected, we hope....

HAND-CRAFTED
Assembly machines operated without gloves on.

PERFORMANCE PROVEN
Will operate through the warranty period.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS
Ours, not yours.

ALL SOLID-STATE
Heavy as Hell!.

BROADCAST QUALITY
Gives a picture and produces noise.

HIGH RELIABILITY
We made it work long enough to ship it.

SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE
When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.

NEW GENERATION
Old design failed, maybe this one will work.

MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS
We got a good deal at a government auction.

CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY
You can return it from most airports.

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE
Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way.

BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES
We finally got it to fit together.

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
Manufacturers, upon cashing your check.

MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED
Does things we cant explain.

LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY
One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
===================================

My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose
sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have a freeze plug replaced, a
job that took two days. Then I discovered that the battery was dead, and
the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.

Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your car is
good for many more miles."

"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to make it
to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."
----------------------------------
DEAR TIDE:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since
the beginning of my married life,when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In
fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I
was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white
blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid
Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of
the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said
that
I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Signed, A relieved menapausal wife.
===================================================

The easiest way to make your old car run better
is to check the prices of a new car.
-- Anon

====================

A BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Daniel Smith of Independence,
Missouri

A Missouri motorist stopped by police threatened to sue them
under copyright laws if they wrote down his name.
Daniel Smith is said to have told officers his name was
copyrighted, and every time it appeared on a document he would
launch a $500,000 lawsuit.

The 45-year-old allegedly told police if his claim wasn't paid within
10 days, it would cost them 1.5 Million Dollars.
He said if they failed to pay at that point, judgments would be
entered against all parties involved and their property.

He was pulled over by police officers following an accident near
the town of Independence, reports the Examiner
According to police, Smith also told officers he wouldn't give them
his licence unless he was given a receipt. When the officers told
him he would get his licence back, he refused and demanded a
receipt.

The officers then called for a supervisor. After he arrived, he was
added to the list of people being sued.

Smith has reportedly been summonsed for a number of motoring
offences.
==============================================

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and
yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied,
"One."
==============================================

A crotchety old doctor's secretary called an old male patient
one morning and said, "Your check came back."

The old man replied, "So did my arthritis!"
============================================

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a
night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into
the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that
he woke up the Mrs.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down
from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't
waken the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.

"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"
===========================

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married
twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the
food. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own
cooking?"
------------------------------------

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days.
To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant
"Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
-----------------------------------------

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the

basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"Oh, About One-sixty-five." he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Oh, About six feet," he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then
takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

"High!" The man explains, "Well, what did you expect?
When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, dammit,
I'm short and fat!"
------------------------------------
A BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alfred J Sweet, 52 of Tampa, FL

Armed burglar disarmed with ham sandwich and rum

Two women have plied an armed man who broke into their
home with a ham sandwich and rum until he became groggy and
passed out.

Police arrived and arrested Alfred Joseph Sweet, 52, after the
five-hour episode in Tampa, Florida.

Cathy Ord, 60, and Rose Bucher, 63, said they tried to befriend
the man after he burst through their kitchen window with a
sawn-off shotgun.

They made him a sandwich, gave him a bottle of rum and
suggested he shower and shave so he could "sort of be
disguised in his getaway", Ord said.

"We just treated him with kindness," Bucher said.
She said she had offered the gunman cash and the keys to
her Cadillac, but he just sat with them, holding his gun.
The intruder never said what he wanted, the women said.
=======================================

Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell "straight." The
boy did so correctly.

"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"

"Without water."
=======================================

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they
notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first
thing they notice about men are: they're a bunch of liars."
- Jay Leno

==============================

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