A German police spokesman said a 28-year-old man was
detained for drunk driving and may be charged with theft
for taking the bulldozer on a 2.5 mile joyride Sunday after
leaving a pub in Berlin.

One of the officers climbed onto the moving vehicle, but
the driver held the door shut. Only after the officer smashed
the window and sprayed mace in his face did the driver stop.

"He was first spotted by a police squad car as he drove
through a red light at about 20 mph and then ignored orders
from the police to stop," the spokesman said.
=====================================
Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination".
=====================================
See what you know about commercial and sports mascots.

1) Charlie Tuna is the mascot for what company?
a. Chicken of the Sea b. Bumble Bee c. Starkist

2) In case you thought the mascots were all going to be as
easy as the first question...who is the mascot of the Carolina
Hurricanes?
a. Captain Windbag b. Mr. Twister c. Stormy the Icehog

3) What is the mascot of Pepperdine University?
a. King Neptune b. Wootis Sitzman c. Pete Peppercorn

4) What's the name of the Jacksonville Jaguars mascot?
a. Jack Smack b. Jaxson deVille c. Jaggy

5) Speaking of cool cats, what's the name of the Carolina
Panthers mascot?
a. Claws Longtooth b. Sir Purr c. Ripper

6) What pizza company used "The Noid" in it's commercials?
a. Pizza Hut b. Domino's c. Lil' Caesar's

7) What were TV's first animated mascots?
a. Ajax Pixies b. Good and Plenty's Choo Choo Charlie
c. Frito- Lay's Frito Bandito

8) Jesse White played this "human mascot" from 1967-1988.
a. The Maytag Repairman b. Mr. Whipple (don't squeeze the
Charmin) c. Madge the Manicurist (you're soaking in it now)

And now for the really tough one...

9) This Cree-Cherokee Indian and environmental activist
starred in the "Keep America Beautiful" campaign that en-
couraged people to quit littering the landscape with garbage.
a. Chief Wachtamacallit b. Chief Danial Crow c. Chief
Iron Eyes Cody

here's the scoring:

9 correct: Most excellent, you cute, fuzzy thing you.
5-8 correct: It's hard to pull the wool over your eyes.
1-4 correct: You can be fooled...but not every time.
0 correct: You didn't know Charlie Tuna or the Noid?

Answers:

1) c. Starkist
2) c. Stormy the Icehog
3) a. King Neptune
4) b. Jaxson deVille
5) b. Sir Purr
6) b. Domino's
7) a. Ajax Pixies
8) a. The Maytag Repairman
9) c. Chief Iron Eyes Cody
=====================================
***ITS TIME FOR A JOKE***
==============
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?
Because he was stuffed. (Rita, 11)
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy! (Zack, 10)
How do you know when a train is eating?
You hear it choo-ing. (Andrea, 8)
What do you get when you cross a duck with a steamroller?
A flat duck. (Archives)
What is a crowbar?
A place were blackbirds can go to get a drink! (Stan Kegel)
What part of the fish weighs the most?
The scales (Jim Ertner)
Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
Just in case they get a hole in one. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What are the four seasons?
Salt, pepper, vinegar and mustard. (Julie, 10)
Why is it so hot after the baseball game?
Because all the fans have left (Nathan, 7)
========================================
An American has an emergency and crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot. "Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear. "No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You kaime here yisterdie." ==========================
Two Russian Navy officers have been fined $80,000 for ordering ship engineers to install a makeshift sauna next to the engine room. A military court heard that the sauna caught fire that then caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to their battleship. Captains Vladimir Kutsan and Vasily Hapin were ordered by a military court to pay 20% of their future wages to cover the damages, local news agency RIA Novosti reported. -------------- Nuclear powered battleships have steam lines that are very hot, some are over 1000 degrees. Wood catches on fire at 500 degrees. Wooden sauna walls may be romantic, but not for long, if they are near hot steam lines.
========================
What happens when you fall in love with:
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
=============================
HELPFUL HINTS
HINT 1

When washing coloured or printed material for the
first time, add one tsp. Epsom salts to one gallon
of water. The material with neither fade nor run.

HINT 2

Dishwasher detergent can be used to whiten sweat
socks and cottons. Just add to regular washload.
===================================
Husband, noticing the date on the calendar, to wife:
"Hey, we should celebrate! I've been wrong about
everything for a whole year!"

======
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days
he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything
during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a
bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of
park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for
killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if
he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to
tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle,
nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane
and a spotted owl!"
===================================
Vodka Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the
bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the
adhesive.

To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers,
fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the
caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the
lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with
vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the
glass and kills germs.

Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with
vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak
in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka
disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a
brush, then blot dry.

Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face
as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten
pores.

Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of
shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp,
removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the
growth of healthy hair.

Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and
spray bees or wasps to kill them.

Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup
water in a Ziploc freezer bag, and freeze
for a slushy, refreezable ice pack for aches,
pain, or black eyes..

Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly
packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka,
seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply
the tincture to aches and pains.

Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine
tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup
vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks.
Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water
and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.

Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to
help it dry out.

If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw
skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects
the exposed dermis.

To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two
teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two
days, strain through a coffee filter and massage
into your scalp and let dry.

To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka
in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then
drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is
causing pain in your ear.

To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub
vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

To remove cigarette smoke in your home or
office mix one part vodka and three parts water
and spray the clothing, then launder and let dry.

Pour vodka over an area affected with poison
ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.
Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol
to numb the pain.

After reading this, can you believe that some
people drink the stuff?
====================================
***ITS TIME FOR A JOKE***
==============
What do you use to clean a tuba?
A tuba toothpaste. (Danielle, 11)
How do you find a missing barber?
Comb the city (Mighty Funnies: Betty Dobnam)
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide (Diana, 7)
What did the earthquake say after it stopped shaking?
It's not my fault! (Jasmine, 11)
What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a pig?
A polar boar. (Archives)
At what sports do waiters excel?
Tennis. They really know how to serve. (Daily Groaner)
Why did the lazy man want to work in a bakery?
So he could loaf around. (Jakura, 11)
What did the conductor say to the barber?
Take it from the top. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Dobnam)
===========================================
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks
the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar...
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands
him a penny.
=========================================