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Growing Old...
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has
wasted 30 years of his life. - Muhammed Ali (Cassius Clay)
--American boxer
Bumper Stickers...
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
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Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award, goes
to Anthony Kaleb Phillips of Oklahoma who applied for a job at a
construction site the day after he robbed the site in full view of
security cameras, police said.
Bonehead award three, an "unclear on the concept" bonehead award, goes
to a contractor, hired by Foster, Rhode Island, who painted the town's
first crosswalk between a hedge and a stone wall.
Bonehead award four, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award,
goes to two bungling UK burglars who used a stolen camera they swiped
at a burglary to take pictures of themselves holding the tools they
used for breaking in, police said. The camera still had shots of the
family's vacation on it thereby tying them to the robbery.
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Why do we associate Dalmatians with firemen?
The key facts are that there is a natural affinity between Dalmatians and
horses, and Dalmatians make good watchdogs. People who owned valuable horses
often kept Dalmatians around to guard them against horse thieves. Fire engines
used to be drawn by fast and powerful horses, a tempting target for thieves. So,
Dalmatians were kept in the firehouse as deterrence to theft. The horses have
long since gone, but the Dalmatians, by tradition, have stayed.
Would you like an even simpler explanation? Firemen are often on the spot, while
the spots are always on the Dalmatians.
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The biggest rock in the world is in northern Australia. Ayer's Rock is 1,175
feet tall, but that's less than the half of it. It also extends 6,890 feet
underground. The reddish- brown monolith changes color throughout the day and it
glows.
Rumor has it Madonna is having it set in a ring that she'll wear on her next
tour.
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"He who is outside his door has the hardest part of his journey behind him."
--Dutch Proverb
"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not
our circumstances."
--Martha Washington
"The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas."
--Linus Pauling
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"I was relaxing in my favorite chair on Sunday," said Pete to Owen,
"reading the newspaper, watching a ball game on TV and listening
to another on the radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack, and
scratching the
dog with my foot -- and my wife has the nerve to accuse me
of just sitting there doing nothing !"
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John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
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A German acoustics expert has invented a hearing
aid for cats.
The tiny device, which is implanted in the cat's
outer ear, was developed by Hans-Rainer Kurz,
who has already had success with a similar aid for
dogs.
Although Mr. Kurz admits the device will not cure
totally deaf cats he says it will help those with severe
hearing difficulties.
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Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says
to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the
moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk
friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's
the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon
another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you
please help settle our argument? Tell us what
that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the
moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said,
"Sorry, I don't live around here."
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Stumpy's Random Thoughts:
* Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* I read recipes the same way I read science
fiction. I get to the end and I think "Well, that's
not going to happen."
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
* According to a recent survey, men say the first
thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and
women say the first thing they notice about men
is they're a bunch of liars.
* Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs
you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?
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"How To Make Your Girlfriend Eternally Happy"
1) Be RICH. This is important for you, but not
for her. For her the number 2 rule follows.
2) Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most
important thing for her, whether you are rich,
have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.
3) Be TALL. Of course you have no real control
over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly
and forever resent you for it and it will come out
of left field to smite you. Preferably be about 1
foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics,
but because you are a trophy and, as always,
the bigger the better.
5) Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-
YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and
enraptured by your delight at the sight of HelloKitty,
stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies,
as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other
trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will
understand perfectly well if you pout over the
smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be
appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave
any other way, she will never understand it.
6) Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will
save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe
and dressing you, herself.
7) Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY
EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight
of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere
inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not
grow - you must be as unchanging and constant as
the firmament..
8) There are NO MORE RULES to making your
girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises
which you feel the rules have not addressed, you
are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary
rules #1 and #2 - they are the solution in every
such case.
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it
very often.
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guys, always remember to get something every day
from the four basic food groups:
canned, frozen, fast and takeout.
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A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a
water leak developed in the galley, which eventually
soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.
A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the
dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"
Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes,
but we put the top up."
With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to
sleep.
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A suburban Chicago women trapped a 200-pound deer in her laundry room after it
crashed through her kitchen window. Julie Ann Somenek was reading the newspaper
when the four-point buck appeared, knocking her out of her chair. The deer then
headed to the laundry room and the quick-thinking 62-year-old woman jumped up
and shut the door behind him. "I was scared it was going to break out," she told
the Chicago Sun-Times. The deer thrashed and kicked at the door but police soon
arrived. Someone opened the laundry room door and moved out of the way as the
buck ran out the opened back door. It worked, but the deer made a mess of the
laundry room.
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Patients prefer doctors who wear white lab coats with name tags, not sneakers
and jeans. According to "On The Value of an Old Dress Code in the New Millenium"
in the June issue of The Archives of Internal Medicine, studies indicate a more
formal look projects professional competence and inspires trust among patients
while a casual look -- wearing sandals, clogs, scrub suits or blue jeans -- is
disapproved of by most patients. "Dress, has its limits, but a neat and clean
appearance is more important than attire ... There is no substitute for a
gentle, concerned physician with an engaging, friendly, emphatic demeanor,"
Lawrence J. Brandt, chief of Gastroenterology at Montefiore Medical Center in
New York City, said in a statement.
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THE BEST PAIR OF LEGS
Dancer, choreographer, pop singer and American Idol judge Paula Abdul and
celebrity fitness trainer David Kirsch are looking for a good pair of legs. The
two are kicking off The Gillette Co.'s Passion Pink Venus "Legs of a Goddess"
contest -- a nationwide search to for the woman with the best legs in America.
The first competition occurred in South Beach, Fla., with local women invited to
walk the runway and be judged for their shapely and toned legs. Additional
competitions are scheduled for nine more cities during the summer. The national
winner will receive a vintage, pink Cadillac convertible and the chance to
appear in a Venus commercial.
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A car thought to have been stolen in Montana
turned out to have been parked in the wrong
garage by its owners.
Police say an alleged drunk couple drove the
car home and put it into the garage.
The next morning, they were shocked to find
their garage empty.
Police were called came out to file a report.
However, the case was solved hours later
when the couple's neighbor wanted to put
his car into his garage.
He found there was already a car inside - the
one belonging to his now sober next-door
neighbors.
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A man who walked into a German supermarket
had to call police when he realized it was closed.
Police say the automatic doors opened to let the
man in but would not let him out again.
The supermarket was closed because it was Sun-
day. But the man had forgotten the day and did
not realize the lights were off until he was inside.
He couldn't leave again because the exit doors
were locked and the entrance doors could only
be activated from the outside.
He phoned police, who already knew from an
automatic alarm that somebody was inside the
shop. An employee of the supermarket had to
be called out to bring her keys and let the man
out.
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A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when
she got a call from her daughter. 'Would Grandma like to have her three
little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a
five-day holiday trip?' Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in
the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord. The Sunday after
the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the
collection.
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Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise
look-alike apologized, "Pardon me!"
"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look
just like my fifth husband."
"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"
"Four," she answered.
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Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are very overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
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You were fooled again
Perhaps the biggest lie you heard in high school was the Pythagorean theorem.
You know, the rule in geometry that says in a right-angled triangle, the sum of
the squares of the two short sides equals the square of the hypotenuse. Well it
wasn't Pythagoras' idea. He stole it from the Egyptians and Babylonians.
Would the reason that history repeats itself be because nobody listens the
first time?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light, how fast is a moving
light?
If a mathematician breaks up with his girl friend, gets back together with her
and breaks up with her again, does she become his ex-squared?
Why do we have the American COLLEGE of Physicians which dictates to doctors that
are UNIVERSITY trained?
Why is it when parents say 'I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed', it hurts
more?
Would all work and no play make you a manager?
Why is it that women like to receive flowers, but rarely send them to their man?
Did you know, you can go to the feed store and get a bag of rolled oats for
about $8.00 for 50 pounds, or go to the supermarket and buy the same oats in a
20 ounce box for about $3.00?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they, by principle, have
to dissolve their own government?
Where is the Surgeon General's army?
Can a one-eyed person have 20/20 vision?
How come the only time things fall into the bathroom sink, is when the plug is
out of the sink?
How come everyone has a SUPERmarket? Have you ever heard of Joe's Plain Old
Market?
Is there any better feeling in the world than having your power mower start on
the first pull?
Why do we 'hang up' our clothes? Should they not 'hang down'?
If you own a piece of land and there is a volcano on it and it ruins a nearby
town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
How can we push for bicycle riders to wear a helmet, but think it's okay for a
motorcycle rider to not wear one?
Why is it when they 'dust for prints' they put dust on something, but if we dust
our living room, we're removing the dust?
If police are law enforcement officers, why are DEA agents called drug
enforcement officers? Should they really enforce drugs or should they enforce
drug laws?
Why do so many people throw apostrophes into words that don't need them?
Was Noah Webster fluent in greek and latin? Or did he have greek and latin
fiends that told him what the word was in their language?
Other than other research people, who the heck cares what the animals name is in
latin?
If you are one in a million, does that mean that there are 6,337 of you?
What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?
Why would Superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if
he can fly?
Research has shown that the ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Did our government pay for this research? And if so, why?
Why do they call them Guidance Counselors when all counselors do is offer
guidance?
Isn't it true that as long as you have no expectations to anything, you can't be
frustrated because you won't be disappointed?
In what order would you apply moisturizer, sunscreen, bug spray, and makeup?
When man calls an animal 'vicious', doesn't he usually mean that it will defend
itself when he tries to kill it?
In the game of bridge, they have a grand slam and a small slam, right? So, in
baseball, why isn't a three run homer called a small slam?
Why is it that a floppy disk is still called a floppy disk in Swedish? Should it
not be called 'Sladrig skiva'?
Could two mini-coopers have a MAJOR accident?
Will my own built in saddle bags interfere with the side mount air bags in case
of a collision?
Will mini vans die out one day like the station wagon did?
If we get floatation devices in airplanes, why don't we get parachutes on the
ferry?
How come, in some places, you can drive a motorcycle legally without a helmet,
but you have to wear a seatbelt in an automobile?
Would the easiest way to tell what the hottest day in any given year was, be to
look at your checkbook and see what day the air conditioner repairman came to
your house?
"Life Explained"
On the first day Lord created cow. And Lord said,
"You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a
life span of sixty years." Cow
said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me
to live for sixty years.
Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the
other forty." And Lord
agreed.
On the second day Lord created dog. And to dog,
Lord said, "Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will
give you a life span of twenty years." Dog said,
"That's too long to be
barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the
other ten. So Lord agreed.
On the third day Lord created monkey. Lord said,
"Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a
twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for
twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do
too, okay? And Lord agreed
again.
On the fourth day Lord created man. Lord said,
"Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do
nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty
years." Man said, "What?
Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what,
I'll take my twenty, and the
forty cow gave back, and the ten monkey gave
back, and the ten dog gave
back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said
Lord. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play, enjoy, and do
nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the
sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain our grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit in front of the
house and bark at
everybody. Life has now been explained.
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