WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We really don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There's no middle ground here.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I'm now against it!

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define 'chicken' please?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

COLIN POWELL: To the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTHA STEWART: If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I'd be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I'm a private person and shouldn't have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.


CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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ALBANY (Reuters) - An Albany man turned himself into police after seeing himself on TV news robbing a bank but was turned away by officers who told him to come back the next day, police said on Tuesday.
Albany resident Darrell Lewis, 40, surrendered to police hours after his Nov. 1 holdup of a downtown bank but was told to come back the next day to be arrested.
Lewis went to a different station the following day and was charged with robbery, Albany police spokesman Jimmy Miller said.
The incident has prompted an internal investigation.

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LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Actor Jim Belushi says his next-door neighbor, actress Julie Newmar, is spying on him, destroying his property and calling him names behind his back.
So he has filed a $1 million harassment suit against the actress famed for playing the villainess Catwoman on the 1960s "Batman" TV series, saying he will not let her drive him out of the neighborhood.
Newmar's agent, Fred Wostbrock, declined to discuss the allegations except to say: "You've got to be kidding. The only person Catwoman would hassle is Batman -- (actor) Adam West."
Belushi says that Newmar, 71, destroyed a fence and landscaping on his property, spied on the actor and his family and directed loud music into his backyard.
The star of the ABC sitcom "According to Jim" also accuses Newmar of spreading defamatory statements about him by calling him a "Peeping Tom," a "voyeur" and "sick."
The suit, filed last week in Los Angeles County Superior Court and made public on Monday, describes Newmar's behavior as "an effort to force Belushi to move from his home."
It says her conduct has grown "more alarming and her harassment and apparent obsession have become more intrusive" over time.
The lawsuit makes no mention of why Newmar would direct such conduct at Belushi.
Belushi's lawyer, Brian Wolf, said he knew of no specific reason why Newmar might be angry.
"If she disapproves of some of her neighbors ... for whatever reason -- I don't know if it's aesthetics or leaf blowers or what the issue is -- she engages in this campaign of harassment and annoyance to try to force them to move," he told Reuters.
The suit seeks at least $1 million in damages and a court order against Newmar.
Newmar was involved in a highly publicized dispute with neighbors several years ago over the din created by gardeners using gas-powered leaf blowers.
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HELPFUL HINT TIME

Applesauce Instead of Oil

To lower fat and cholesterol, replace most of the oil in your baking recipes with plain, unsweetened applesauce. It will add moistness without all that fat content.

Drying Nail Polish Quickly

Pam cooking spray will dry fingernail polish quickly.

Fabric Softener Sheets For Bath Tub Rings

I reuse fabric softener sheets to clean the rings in my bath tubs. They are also good to clean around the faucets and sinks.

Longer Lasting Candles

You can make your candles burn slower and last longer on your dinner table if you put them in the freezer the day before you intend to use them.
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"Oh LORD," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not
surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!" ======================
Crouching behind the pyramid of cantaloupes, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a glass of tomato juice in the other, I spied my prey, lounging languidly between the green peppers and carrots. I can only hope the produce department lackeys at this supermarket haven't yet instituted rules against celery stalking.
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A German man has become the first person to cross
Australia on a skateboard.

It took Dirk Qionful 17 days to cover the 1,850 miles
on his kite-powered skateboard.

Mr. Qionful says he is now convinced he can use the
technology to travel the world.
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Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

In the 18th-century young Pennsylvania Dutch men gave
their sweethearts carved rolling pins as engagement presents.

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Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

In the 18th-century young Pennsylvania Dutch men gave
their sweethearts carved rolling pins as engagement presents.
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HINT 1

Removing Lipstick:

Remove lipstick from clothes. Rub in a dab of vegetable
shortening, then rinse the stained area with club soda.
Works Great!

HINT 2

Remove tar from clothing. Scrape off as much tar as
possible, place a lump of shortening over the spot,
wait three hours, then wash.

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QUICK JOKE

Husbands are like children
they're fine if they're someone else's

Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
So brunettes can understand them.

Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or the
bathroom.
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My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her
first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the
instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people
behind you know what you're doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced,
"I'm going left."
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Did you know?

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were
to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs
are
"limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the _expression. "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the _expression "losing face."

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Ladies wore corsets that were laced up in the front. A tightly tied Lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."

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Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards, but only applicable to the "ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

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Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TVs, or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars, who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

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While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving, I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand.

"If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."

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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells
to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team,
after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the
Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
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