Burchfield Joke Pack 8

"UP" -- a 2 letter word -- has 100 different meanings. So what is this stuff about English being easy? This two-letter word perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word.
It's easy to understand UP as meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP; why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. We brighten UP a room, polish UP silver, warm UP the left-overs and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house, and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has special meanings. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk-size dictionary, the word up, takes UP almost 1/4th the page, and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............
I'll shut UP..!
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What does Henry Youngman call "having one
wife too many"?
Marriage
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A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you
to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an
intermittent rage disorder,
punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his
prognosis is good for full recovery."
How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
Didn't you say he was 13?"
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My buddy Mike had season tickets to the Washington Redskins
football games. Last year they had such a miserable
record that he couldn't give away two tickets to a game
he wasn't able to attend. While parking at the mall, he
decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper.

"And that worked?" I asked.

"Not exactly," said Mike. "I returned to find six more
tickets to the same game."
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New definitions

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
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You should always know when you’re shifting gears in
life. You should leave your era; it should never
leave you.
-- Leontyne Price

Never reach out your hand unless you’re willing
to extend an arm.
-- Elizabeth Fuller

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Things You Will Never Hear Women Say:

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I
don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be
over to watch football again?

While you were in the bathroom, they went for
it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold
them to a field goal they'll still cover.

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your
ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool,
I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends,
tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more
than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's
Day present!

Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then
you don't have to mess with it anymore.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think
I'll ever change it again.
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HELPFUL HINT TIME

How To Repair Cracks On Wall Plaster

Take some baking soda, mix it with Elmer's white glue. Fill crack and let dry. It can then be painted.

5 Vinegar Cleaning Tips

1. Clean your dentures with Heinz white vinegar by soaking them overnight and rinsing in the morning.

2. You can make your own furniture cleaner by mixing 1 part vinegar to 3 parts lemon oil.

3. Paint brushes can be cleaned by simmering in vinegar and
washed with hot soapy water.

4. Brighten your wash by adding 1/2 cup of vinegar to the rinse cycle.

5. To clean your microwave, boil 1/4 cup of vinegar and 1 cup of water. Leave in microwave till food is softened enough to just wipe out.

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Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
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THE HOKEY POKEY
(Original Lyrics)


Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around...
That's what it's all about.


THE HOKEY POKEY
(Shakespearean Style)


O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

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Have you heard about the five young bulls standing in the pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?

What? No??

Well, the first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.

The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street .

The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.

The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.

The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and heifer.
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Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Is it not crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think the first 'teachers of the language' should have been committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. How is it that people recite a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell??

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. This is why ... when the stars are out, they are visible -- but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Gosh! now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."
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"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"
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OSLO, Norway (AP) - A purse snatcher in a small Norwegian town picked the wrong 88-year-old woman to rob, since she was with a tough younger man at the time. Her 78-year-old friend ended up sending the thief to the hospital this week, the local newspaper Moss Avisen reported Friday. The report said the thief was on a bicycle when he snatched the purse in Raade, a small town about 50 kilometres south of Oslo. The elderly man reacted instantly, grabbing hold of the purse and struggling with the 30-year-old thief. During the struggle, the senior dragged the young man off his bike and onto the asphalt. The stunned thief took a beating - bleeding profusely from a cut on his head - and staggered off, still clutching the woman's wallet which he had pulled from the purse. Police quickly located him and took him to a hospital, where he needed seven stitches. The suspect was detained pending indictment on the purse snatching, police said.
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HELPFUL HINT

Tired of Mildewed Shower Curtains? Try simply lifting up the side of the curtain, about halfway down, and clipping it to the shower head to dry. That way the wet curtain doesn't stick to the side of the tub and the air circulation dries it out in a jiffy. I use a large claw type hair clip and haven't had to bleach the shower curtain for months!
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